Crucial Conversations… this stuff works!
I’m amazed at the power of healthy dialogue. You’d think communication would be the easiest thing in the world. I mean we all grow up talking to each other. We spent hours chatting with friends over the phone. We talked at length to try to impress a date. We basically grew up developing all the raw skills needed to effectively communicate. So what happened when we finally “grew up”? Why do things go so wrong when conversations become crucial?
I just got back from a Crucial Conversations Train the Trainer class a couple of weeks ago. It was excellent! Our trainer, Darrell Harmon who’s a great guy by the way, did a wonderful job! We all learned the tools needed to move conversations from dysfunctional to healthy. We got to practice our skills in front of our peers. All was well with the world. I was prepared, loaded up with fresh new tools. I was a conversation master… and then…. I went home.
When it mattered most… I did my worst. I had planned out one particular crucial conversation I was going to have with my wife. First off, I chickened out. I didn’t bring up the topic for days. Then it happened. When I was unprepared THE topic came up. Emotions began to rise. We both said things the wrong way.
Things were not going well. Then, in the twinkling of an eye… the thought popped into my head… “THIS is a crucial conversation. This is YOUR opportunity to try this stuff out.” So I went for it. At first, I couldn’t remember ANYTHING from my week long class. My brain was too dumbed down by adrenaline. My amygdala had been hijacked, and I simply couldn’t think. However, the more I tried to remember what to do first the more my emotions began to calm. I asked myself “What do I really want from this increasingly loud conversation?” As I processed that question another one from class popped into my head… “How can I Make it Safe?” Oh yeah… if one or both are going into silence or violence it’s because things aren’t safe. How could I make things safe for her? Oh yeah… a “Don’t / Do” statement would work here. I tried it…. it worked! She started to de-escalate.
I inwardly smiled at my new dialogue prowess. “What else could I try?” I honestly didn’t try anything else because she began to follow my lead and started paraphrasing my statements. (Something we’d learned in marriage counseling years ago.) As we both tried to one-up each other with our conversational maturity our discussion took a 180. We ended up in a very healthy dialogue. We began encouraging each other, laughing and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. It was amazing! This stuff works!
If you’ve not read the book, get a copy. Secondly, you have to try it out! Like everything in life, you have to “take it out of the box” to enjoy it!
Good luck on your conversational journey!
Jim
Mojo & Coaching
“Mojo – that positive spirit toward what we are doing now that starts from the inside and radiates to the outside.”
Marshall Goldsmith defines and breaks down what Mojo is. It is what distinguishes the truly successful people from the rest. You know when you’re operating in it… you just feel it. You’re good, and you know you’re good. Those activities, circumstances or environments where you know you are operating at peak performance and doing your very best…. that’s Mojo. Then it radiates outward for others to see and enjoy. It’s fun to watch someone operate in their Mojo. They’re just doing what they were put on this planet to do.
As a coach it’s important to know that helping another person to find (or re-find) their Mojo is critical to their success. However, there is only so much we can do. One must find their own Mojo. One thing Goldsmith says in his book (that I totally agree with) is “nobody ever gets better because of me.” In other words, the coach’s job is to point the way toward improvement… not do it for them. This has to come from inside of them. Our job is to shine a light on their path, encourage them along the way, and then get out of the way.
New Years Questions
The beginning of the new year is the natural time to set new resolutions or goals. It just makes sense to ponder the past year and plan for the new year during this season. Karlin Sloan in a recent blog lists five good questions for you to ponder in January.
1.) What can you stop doing this year? Who can help take things off of your plate? How can you develop those around you to take on what you shouldn’t be doing anymore?
2.) Who do you want to spend more time with? Leaders often spend a lot of time with people who drain their energy. Who adds to your life force? How can you make time with that person?
3.) How are you contributing your greatest strengths to your organization? What talents and skills are going unused? What strengths are you using too much?
4.) What practices help you to stay grounded and clearheaded? How can you make space for what re-energizes and envigorates you?
5.) Do your team members feel engaged and appreciated? One great new year’s practice is to send a hand-written note to each of your direct reports thanking them for their contributions in 2010, and asking for their help to make 2011 great.
I encourage you to take some time this month and answer these questions as you plan for a wonderful 2011!
Summertime
Summer tends to be slower in most businesses. This can be a great time to re-focus on your priorities. Time management is great for getting more done. But, the ultimate goal in time management is being able to spend more time on what’s most important in life. Covey refers to these as your “big rocks.” For most people these big rocks end up being relationships… with God, your spouse, your kids, your parents, etc. If you have some “down time” (or at least some “less chaotic time”) this summer I encourage you to use it wisely. Spend some time alone, look at your most significant relationships, and determine if you are spending enough time with each one. Again, use summertime to re-establish what’s most important in life… & wear sunscreen.
Manage Your Time!
“Until we can manage time, we can manage nothing else.”
Peter F. Drucker
“You will never ‘find’ time for anything. If you want time, you must make it.”
Charles Bruxton
“Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that is the stuff life is made of.”
Benjamin Franklin
Managing your time effectively is one of the most critical components of the equation for success. I’ve been asked more and more to do presentations on time management. It’s funny… there’s really nothing new under the sun when it comes to managing our time. It’s been a topic of importance throughout history. However, it does seem to be the one dividing line between becoming the “rock star” you know you really are or just remaining the “Charlie Brown” that you’ve always feared you might be. The way we use the 24 hours/day that each of us is given is that line in the sand that separates those who are full of life/purpose/impact on their world and those who just fill up space, breathe air and consume resources.
I recently taught a teleclass on time management that I’d like for you to hear. Here’s the audio file (click to listen or right-click to download)
Time Mgmt – Jim Friedemann
I hope it helps you become a more effective manager or your time… of your life!
- Jim
Making Your New Years Resolutions STICK!!
Here’s a good article from a life coach on making sure your New Years resolutions stick this time!
3 Quick Tips to Ensure That You Achieve Your Goals in 2010
By: Christopher L King
Although statistics may suggest that fewer people are creating goals for the new year, I would still like to believe that there is a large number of us that believe that there is some benefit to establishing personal targets for our lives. Besides, if we don’t set goals, how do we measure our progress? Unfortunately—as some of our non-goal-setting friends have already discovered—even though we may set goals for the new year, it is still not guaranteed that we will have any form of success. As a matter of fact, out of all of the individuals that set new year’s resolutions for 2010, only 20 percent of them will actually succeed in achieving what they had set out to do. This means that unless you are intentional about succeeding in achieving your goals, odds are that your 2010 goals will soon assume the same fate that they did in 2009 and the previous years. Whether your goal is to lose thirty-five pounds, write your first book, or to start that business that you’ve always wanted, the following strategies are three quick ways to ensure that you achieve your new year’s resolutions:
1. Don’t think about the process.
Thirty-five pounds lighter, your words in print, and you succeeding in the world of entrepreneurship all seem extremely exciting. The end result is always very appealing. However, reality reminds us that the end result requires a sometimes long, arduous, painful, and maybe a boring process. It’s our negative feelings of this process that often restrict us from achieving our many goals. As humans, it is our nature to be attracted to those things that bring us pleasure and to avoid those things that we associate with pain or discomfort. Therefore, as we think about the process that we must go through to arrive at our desired end result, we quickly make the decision to not engage. When focusing on the process, you begin to ask yourself, “Do I feel like going to the gym to workout?” As you may guess, the answer is almost always, “No.” Therefore, don’t think about the process.
2. Think about a specific time in which you are happy that you accomplished your goal.
To encourage you not to think about your goal would be foolish. However, when you do think about the goal, you should think about a specific time in which it provides you with positive feelings. Remember the rule of humans that was mentioned earlier: Humans gravitate to what’s pleasurable and flee from those things that are painful. Therefore, you must think of your goal in a framework that makes you feel good. For example, thinking of how energetic and good you may feel after returning from the gym or, the joy that you experience after you’ve completed a chapter of your first book. Also, it is more helpful if this time period is not in the distant future, such as when you have achieved the final goal. Rather, it should be a period in which you feel good after you have made a smaller step of progress toward the final result.
3. Just start!
Another interesting fact that I have noticed about people is that we often have difficulty changing. This means that once we start something, we often become comfortable in continuing with that particular action. For example, if you are currently sitting comfortably on the sofa at the time that you have scheduled to begin your workout, it is very difficult to change that behavior. While this works with negative and destructive behaviors, it also can prove to be effective when engaging in healthier activities. Therefore, when the time comes to engage in an activity that will push you closer to achieving your goal, just get up and start! I have found that once I begin working out, writing that next chapter, or even handling administrative tasks for my business, it is often difficult to stop. At the least, I will begin with the mental commitment of performing the task for only a short period of time—perhaps, for only ten minutes. But when that ten minute period is finished, I still find it difficult to stop my current activity. So, the next time that you are struggling to perform that task that will move you closer to your goal, I encourage you to simply start.
As you verbally and mentally commit to achieving your goals for the new year, I encourage you to not think about the negative feelings that you have about the process, but about how great it feels to experience progress. And if you simply start, you are sure to experience the success that you are looking for and you will then be a part of that elite group of 20 percenters that actually achieve their goals.
Christopher L. King is an inspirational speaker, author, Certified Life Coach, and internet radio personality.